Welcome to Court Watch #197. We don’t know about you but it seems lately like every story or roundup we’ve done lately is filled with abject sadness or depressing topics. We’ve been writing about such things as the murder of faith-filled kids, the hedge fund hollowing out of journalism, and poisoning of the food supply. Admittedly, it can wear you down.
But a man in a red sweater told us to look for the helpers. So before we jump into our docket roundup below, we thought we’d show readers ours.
It is typical for federal clerks to occasionally file test documents on PACER to make sure the database is working. The documents are usually on the online filing system for a short window and then removed. Some clerks have fun with it, like the time Harry Potter was briefly charged with illegal smuggling in the Virgin Islands. Or for a couple hours in 2024 when it appeared that law enforcement had arrested Santa for illegal reentry. The Southern District of New York clerk's office, likely fearful of having the appearance of delight, have taken to just using the alphabet.
Like parents, Court Watch is not supposed to have favorite districts. We love them all equally no matter their successes or failures. Be it the District of Columbia’s push for transparency, the Northern District of California’s making up statutes (editor’s note: 18 USC 252??), or the Central District of California's stubborn refusal to create criminal dockets days after the Justice Department announces charges have been filed. The courts, like kids, all have their own quirks and we love them because of them, not despite.
But, like Katniss Everdeen, occasionally one district can rise above the rest. For seventeen years, the clerk’s office of the District of Minnesota has had a burner PACER docket which they use to test the system. It started off innocently enough with its first test entry in September 17, 2009 which resolves back to a standard ‘You do not have permission to view this document’ page. Then the docket went quiet for six years only to reemerge with another no permission entry. To a normal person, it seemed like a docket that wasn’t worth reviewing, lest you rack up PACER fees for no discernable reason. But we’ve never been accused of being normal. And so we watched. And watched. And years passed. And we still watched some more.
Somewhere in 2024, the docket started showing signs of personality. There were still the usual placeholder blank documents filed. But every once in a while, the clerk’s office would sneak in joy, like pictures of dogs with glasses and briefcases going to work. Then back to the usual placeholder. We never knew what we’d get when we clicked on a new entry. Would it be the boring placeholder or instead would the clerk’s office bless us with our secret personal Court Easter Egg? Two days before Christmas in 2025, a new entry for a ‘SEALED Request for my reindeer to have extra carrots by test’. Eight days later on New Year’s Eve, a ‘motion to expedite’ test filing told us to disregard the filing but not disregard the holidays, complete with adorable snowman clip art. Then back to normal test documents. A few times this year, new pictures of dogs entered the mix.
This week, apparently in honor of Halloween, the clerk’s office gave us a test filing with excerpts of Edgar Allan Poe’s The Raven.
We originally hesitated to write this lede, lest some joyless judicial bureaucrat decides our favorite docket is not in keeping with the formality of the courts and ends it. If that happens, know that we’ll take that as a personal attack with all the journalistic consequences that come with picking a fight with a news organization that has a history of digging up things the court doesn’t want seen. The world needs more small joys. The clerk’s office in Minnesota is ours. Let us all agree to never extinguish the judiciary’s candle in the wind.
The Docket Roundup
The FBI says there was an attempted arson at an ICE facility in Atlanta.
If you ever wanted to see what thousands of dollars of (alledged) fraudulent SNAP benefits used to buy energy drinks looks like, a Florida docket has it.
Nigeria-based scammers are impersonating <checks notes> the Trump-Vance Inaugural Committee.
At first blush an outside observer of a lawsuit requesting hand counting of ballots in Texas that doesn’t know the difference between ‘effect’ and ‘affect’ may think it doesn’t have a chance. But this is the Northern District of Texas and Judge Matthew Kacsmaryk is presiding. Not sure political watchers are fully appreciating that a seemingly random court docket may have a chance to upend an election process in a few days.
We’re convinced the internet has completely ruined people’s ability to understand what is humor and what is not.
The Washington Post wants Trump’s COVID pictures.
Judge Alvin Hellerstein passed away on Wednesday. Which, in turn, makes a Thursday filing by the DOJ attacking his ruling without acknowledging that change in life status an interesting choice.
A Tennessee white supremacist was sentenced to more than 17 years in prison for a “sparkler bomb” and providing material support to Hamas.
The Justice Department really doesn’t want Attorney General Todd Blanche to have to testify in an Epstein victim case.
It’s never an easy task giving up a client but sometimes it’s just not a good fit. Break ups are hard but a clean break is best. And, no point in blaming SAM(s) or Tom or Harry. Sometimes it just doesn’t work.
Your honor, we humbly submit that DOJ is overworked.
Our European reporter colleagues have advanced the story we broke last week about a Russian money laundering operation. Gotham City says the case was brought with the help of French authorities and the tapping into the SkyECC narco app.
Here’s the criminal complaint in the case the Justice Department brought against two former FBI agents for allegedly lying to Congress.
Folks, Judge Strand is big mad (footnote 5)
A Massachusetts newspaper isn’t judicially required to cover every candidate.
We give points for attempting to argue your car got stolen and you didn’t lead law enforcement on a high speed chase.
Federal defenders in an Oklahoma capital case are tired of the FBI’s FOIA delays.
The arrest of a D.C. Deloitte consultant for allegedly sharing classified information with his Substacker girlfriend really made the rounds in the group chats this week. Side note, the defense successfully won his release pending trial, relying heavily on the argument that the same was a similar fact pattern as President Trump’s Mar-a-lago case.
A Florida man was indicted for an antisemitic threat, allegedly writing that Jewish people “take[n] out because the Austrian painter was correct.”
A judge in D.C. is as overwhelmed and annoyed by missed deadlines and scheduling changes as we are.
A political scientist whom the Justice Department previously prosecuted under FARA for his purported ties to Iran sued a lawyer at a big law firm for defamation after he says they wrongly called him a foreign agent.
In honor of Patrick Stewart’s passing, our song of the week is from one of his favorite bands. If that’s not your bag, we had this song on repeat while we wrote today’s lede.
Texas gave us this week a one-way ticket to the beach and a 25 million dollar bank fraud case.
The Commodity Futures Trading Commission doesn’t want the state of Utah to regulate Kalshi.
Neil Young says “Keep on rockin’ in the free world,” but not at Trump rallies.
A judge in the Northern District of California granted a preliminary injunction, blocking the Pentagon’s designation of Alibaba as a Chinese military company.
In this week’s worst of humanity, the CEO of an adolescent residential treatment facility in Ohio was allegedly caught trying to meet up with a minor. The treatment facility has a history of abuse.
The editor of the student newspaper at the University of Pennsylvania is challenging the White House’s press restrictions.
Predators are now reportedly using Zoom to share child abuse images.
Hasan Piker sued Scott Jennings for defamation.
It’s crazy that it took this long, but the first woman to go in front of a federal jury for providing material support to ISIS was convicted.
The financial secretary of a local steelworkers labor union chapter in Pennsylvania was indicted for allegedly embezzling more than $115,000.
A 46-year-old Colorado man pleaded guilty to throwing Molotov cocktails into a group of runners participating in a solidarity run for the Oct. 7th hostages.
The State Department won’t have to hurry up its Visa review process.
A D.C. court found itself powerless to restrain the Federal Trade Commission’s investigation into a transgender health association after the commission went to the Northern District of Texas.
Thanks for reading. This Sunday’s The Rabbit Hole reporting started off innocent enough and ended up with multi-billion-dollar companies wholesale deleting accounts after our inquiries.
