We had a whole lede written in the voice and mannerisms of Clavicular given that he skated on a seemingly open-and-shut criminal case this week. But then we thought to ourselves, we don’t want to live in a world where we might learn that some of our Court Watch readers immediately understood the terminally online references nor do we want to subject any of our other more normal readers into spending their precious and fleeting time on earth trying to understand it.
We already know far too much about very niche things. Like how South Dakota judges are virtue signalers for purported public access or that while it may appear the U.S. government is about to fight 25 pitbulls but it's simply a reflection of how seizure notices are filed in the federal courts. Our brain can only take so many useless factoids before we become insufferable teammates at the next pub quiz night.
We also know that every week more than 10,000 of our subscribers like to dive deep into the federal dockets to find the most interesting and consequential court filings.
Putting it in other words that only the worst parts of the Internet should understand, you appreciate that we stay mogging this beat every week.
The Docket Roundup
A New York judge had the last word against an attorney caught submitting briefs with AI hallucinations and then tried to pull the case altogether.
There’s an antitrust case in South Florida about <checks notes> roofers.
In this week’s worst of humanity, we give you what may allegedly be the worst parents imaginable.
Here’s the affidavit for the FBI’s warrant application to search the Fulton County Election Hub.
A Texas man who allegedly hacked into a public water system, causing $5,000 worth of damage, was indicted.
Laura Loomer’s lawyer, Larry Klayman, blamed new staff in asking for an extension to respond to a magistrate judge’s report recommending him to the Florida bar’s grievance committee. A judge granted a two-week extension.
A wife who filed a pro-se habeas petition to release her detained husband at Alligator Alcatraz had her motion dismissed on a garbage technicality because she didn’t have a lawyer and didn’t understand the standing rule that only lawyers would know. For the record, there are years of legal precedent that allow pro-se plaintiffs more leeway than the Obama-nominated Judge Chappell allowed.
ProPublica got the records of "regarding cable traffic from the State Department to and from the U.S. Embassy in El Salvador regarding the deportations. The Request also asked for any contracts or other fiduciary instruments involved in the payment of $6 million from the U.S. to El Salvador" according to a filing late last night about their FOIA State Department lawsuit.
The Justice Department wants to clear Steve Bannon’s rap sheet.
A Columbia University junior sued Congresswoman Virginia Foxx of North Carolina, calling her a McCarthyist for her committee’s investigation into reports of antisemitic incidents on college campuses.
We counted 14 exclamation marks and one (1) Bob Dylan quote in Judge Leon’s order issuing a preliminary injunction against the Pentagon to halt the proceedings initiated against Senator Mark Kelly.
A news bias rating company sued the Federal Communications Commission, alleging that its chair, Andrew Ferguson, selectively restricted the company because of its purported political bias.
The Justice Department announced the arrest of an alleged third orchestrator of the 2012 Benghazi attack.
A Customs & Border Protection supervisor was arrested for reportedly helping to smuggle his undocumented girlfriend across the southern border.
They may be satanic temple leaders, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to enjoy the company of man’s best friend, too.
An Ohio grand jury had a two-for-one indictment for a man accused of threatening Vice President Vance and distributing child abuse materials.
Customs and Border Protection was sued by a man who says an agent punched and tackled him after he hesitated to answer his questions.
A college softball coach sued three people, including her own player, for reportedly getting her fired for social media posts related to the Kirk assassination. Side note, she begins her civil complaint by mentioning an achievement award from middle school… which is definitely a choice.
The ‘U.S. v. Twenty-Five (25) Pit Bull-Type dogs And Any Subsequent Offspring’ makes it in the running for an all-time case caption. (Focusing on the title is the only way we could our copeing mechanism to calm down after with reading the seizure notice).
President Trump’s attorneys will get discovery in his case against the BBC, at least for now.
An Ohio jury convicted a 28-year-old sex offender of using generative AI to produce child abuse material. The man reportedly argued that the AI-generated images fell under First Amendment protections.
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Things are getting awkward in one of the final FARA cases involving a former Congressman. Defense attorneys are trying to have an Assistant U.S. Attorney disqualified for his wife’s alleged ties to a potential witness in the case.
Slim is playing in D.C. tomorrow and tickets are still available so if you don’t have Valentine Day plans, we’d suggest taking a flyer on a solo concert. Here’s your song of the week to push you over the ticket-buying edge.
We have no notes on this story.
An unusual request related to a case of a man accused of being part of 764 by the head of the federal defenders’ office in the Northern District of New York. We asked, but haven’t heard back, but we’re assuming the federal defenders want out of the case.
One day, our financial advisor will try to convince us to stop paying $3.00 a pop for PACER fees in the off-chance that South Dakota federal prosecutors forget to redact something. Alas, they’ve been batting 1.000 for the last six years. Well played. But heads up, we’ll always be waiting in the tall grass for a stumble.
Speaking of which, we’re as mad as our paid subscribers are that we also spent money buying a copy of an appropriations law.
A 62-year-old retired U.S. Army officer who worked as a civilian employee at U.S. Central Command was sentenced to two years in prison for using classified documents to try to impress a woman.
Keep an eye on this Second Amendment case from Hawaii.
The state of Oregon reached a six-figure settlement with an incarcerated woman who says she was sexually assaulted by a corrections officer.
A D.C. cop’s lawsuit against the city over claims of systemic harassment can go on after several counts were dismissed.
There’s an environmental case in Utah because the Bureau of Land Management wants to make improvements on a road known as the “Hole in the Rock Road.”
A college baseball player who first enrolled in 2020 and had a series of unfortunate events sued the NCAA to allow him another year of eligibility.
The Florida man who threatened Brian Tyler Cohen, Christina Rampell, Nancy Pelosi, and other Congressional democrats in YouTube comments pleaded guilty on Thursday.
It turns out, CBS actually cares about at least one of its flagship television programs – Star Trek.
For the record, the above bullet was absolutely fire. Some of our best work.
Five people were indicted for allegedly stealing social security numbers to take loans in other people’s names that they then used to rent high-rise apartments in Miami.
A grand jury in Minnesota indicted an apparent sovereign citizen for allegedly filing false tax returns, requesting $350 million in returns. The Department of the Treasury only paid out <checks notes yet again> 19 million.
The third member of an alleged cult was charged with forced labor in Michigan.
A judge allowed a lawsuit filed by a group of Jeffrey Epstein’s victims against Bank of America to move forward.
We love when clerks’ run tests on PACER, if only to see Perry Mason as a lawyer in the federal system.
A judge stopped 20 death row inmates from being transferred to SuperMax prison until they have more time to push back on it.
There are clearly some very valid complaints by these clerks against a federal judge but we admittedly get it on the don’t use my private bathroom thing.
Say what you want about illegal drug dealers, but at least they paid their debts.
Fair warning: The filing is a tough read. However paragraph 28 about how authorities got the”‘cached audio files of [the vehicle’s] navigation turn-by-turn” directions to crack the case is interesting.
Authorities pulled back on its administrative subpoena that the Washington Post wrote about recently.
Just an absolutely fascinating investigation on taking down a Chinese money laundering/money stealing case involving getting recruited on RedBook.
Thanks for reading. A final programming note: In Sunday’s The Rabbit Hole we found someone to give us the inside scoop into one of the most important federal districts in America. It’ll be an eye-opening read.