Welcome to Court Watch #158. Early in our career, we briefly considered law school. After reviewing this week’s federal court dockets, we’re glad we found a profession that values clarity. Say what you want about being a reporter, but at the end of a long day at work at least we know we’re a reporter. If we became an attorney, we may be faced with an existential question of who we truly are.
That was the case this week as a federal judge in Virginia sought information as to why the U.S. Attorney of the Eastern District says she is the U.S. Attorney of the Eastern District after another judge rules she was not. Meanwhile, a New York judge ruled the Northern District’s top federal prosecutor is not the top federal prosecutor so he’s not allowed to investigate the state’s top prosecutor. Even a detained dictator doesn’t think the man the court approved as his lawyer is actually his lawyer even after a federal judge says he was. Meanwhile, another lawyer apologizes for not acting lawyer-like and an indicted attorney takes a break from practicing the law.
While everyone in the U.S. court system may be questioning their career choices, we’re steadfast in our belief that we were born to find the most fascinating court records you may have missed.
The Docket Roundup
This is awkward. Nicolas Maduro’s lawyer says the lawyer who previously told the judge he was Maduro’s lawyer wasn’t actually his lawyer. (When asked for comment the lawyer/not lawyer says “it’s a mess”)
Speaking of court filing tea: May you never have to write an apology letter to a judge for your conduct as a lawyer. Alternatively, you could just argue that you were simply zealously representing Laura Loomer.
A judge rejected the government’s motion to dismiss in the American Academy of Pediatrics’s lawsuit against Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., over the CDC’s shift in vaccination policies.
A lawsuit says an investor who has purported links to royal families in the Middle East tricked a Blockchain company.
Elon Musk and his America PAC won’t have to pay a canvasser who sued them.
A man appearing to suffer from a mental illness episode reportedly threatened to drive a van into an FBI field office in Ohio. The alleged threat was one of hundreds submitted by the man through the FBI’s tipline.
Judges in the Eastern District of Virginia want to know what Lindsey Halligan’s deal is. Meanwhile, a judge in the Northern District of New York says the person the Justice Department says is the U.S. Attorney isn’t the U.S. Attorney, at least for his case against the state of New York.
A Scout leader in Michigan was arrested for allegedly secretly recording children in his troop.
One of our favorite former reporters, Pete Williams, has entered the chat over the Department of Defense’s new restrictions for the Pentagon’s press corps, filing an affidavit in the case suing over the policy.
One guy accused of leading a Medicare fraud scheme reportedly fled Texas with millions of dollars. Authorities say they don’t know where he is.
An attorney based in the tri-state area, whose clients sued Diddy and Fat Joe, among others, withdrew from all of his cases, citing significant strains on his mental health and an indictment filed against him.
The FBI says a Canadian woman traveling across the U.S. border kicked a Border Protection agent in the face after a series of poor decisions stemming from a weed vape pen.
Lawyers for the alleged would-be January 6th pipe bomber are pushing for his pre-trial release.
The feds appear to have busted a major multi-million-dollar stolen catalytic converter ring.
A Florida man was arrested for allegedly making Islamophobic threats over all YouTube.
The Asbestos Disease Awareness Organization wants to know what’s up with all that debris from the White House’s now-demolished East Wing.
Prosecutors charged a recent University of Illinois graduate for purportedly hacking into hundreds of people’s Snapchats and stealing their sensitive pictures, which he reportedly sold for fifty dollars to a former track and field coach at Northeastern University who previously pleaded guilty to cyberstalking and other charges in 2023. Dozens of the alleged victims were on Northeastern’s soccer and track and field teams.
In other worst-of-humanity-has-to-offer news, there was a similar case out of Georgia this week of a man accused of gaining access to hundreds of minors’ Snapchat accounts and using the explicit images found to exploit the victims.
A grand jury in North Carolina indicted a man on charges of distributing child abuse material and for a school shooting hoax.
Here’s the affidavit in the case of the alleged ISIS supporter from Charlotte.
The Justice Department sued two towns in California for their bans on natural gas infrastructure in new building developments.
Your song of the week comes from Chance Pena.
Boeing was sued for that time the airplane door fell off over Alaska, and the company reportedly blamed <checks notes> the pilot.
It may not be Ocean’s 11, but this $500,000 Miami jewelry store theft, which involved sawing through bathroom walls, makes for a fun read.
Author Michael Wolff wants to move his lawsuit against First Lady Melania Trump to New York state court, rather than continue in the sovereign district.
The lengths drug runners go to get their cars filled with cash is fascinating.
A Texas teachers’ union sued the state’s education agency on First Amendment grounds for its policy in response to the Kirk assassination.
One passenger on an Air China flight, who had her luggage searched on arrival by Customs & Border Protection agents, is upset that they won’t give it back after not recovering any contraband.
A Maryland-based employee of the General Services Administration was charged with taking kickbacks as part of an alleged scheme involving sinkholes.
The FBI says an MS-13 leader wanted in Honduras for a quadruple murder lied on his tax paperwork in Nebraska.
A former teacher in Austin, Texas, pleaded guilty to using AI to create sexually explicit pictures of his students.
Here’s a multi-million-dollar scam out of South Carolina, and here’s another one in Virginia. And yet another one in Florida.
Come for the “custom lizard jewelry,” stay for a fascinating rundown of an alleged money laundering operation.
A former employee for Catholic Charities says the organization improperly shared confidential information about domestic violence victims.
A judge says the government can’t keep a civil complaint sealed.
Ohio teachers are just built differently.
We, too, are interested in what classified information is involved in killing a wind farm project.
A filmmaker argues that Universal Pictures stole his idea for a creepy doll movie. We were curious and forever unhinged, so we watched the full film here. Honestly, we wouldn’t recommend it except that (spoiler alert) the special effects when the main protagonists get electrocuted in the pool bring back fond memories of campy 80s slasher movies.
An online influencer being sued by FBI Director Kash Patel’s girlfriend for defamation moves to dismiss the lawsuit.
We have no idea about the validity of the claims in this pro se lawsuit against the FBI but the purported beer can being thrown (while allegedly saying “Don’t sue the FBI!”) at the plaintiff by an unnamed FBI agent is something.
A new lawsuit suing a development group aligned with China and Iran says an “ethical hacker” stole billions in crypto from the group and turned it over to the U.S. government.
Thanks for reading. A final note, we waited fifteen years to tell the story in this Sunday’s The Rabbit Hole. Fortunately, you only have to wait two more days to read it. If you’re so inclined, please encourage your friends, neighbors, lawyers, and people that think they’re lawyers but maybe are not lawyers to subscribe now so they get it in their inbox this weekend.