Welcome to Court Watch #157. For many, the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day defies the space time continuum. Most mornings you’re not sure if it’s a Monday or a Saturday. Indeed, there were a couple times this week that we were pretty confident we forgot to send out this weekly court roundup.
Fighting all urges to continue to live in fleeting but beautiful ignorant bliss of the world around us, we managed to check in with the 94 federal district courts to find the stories you may have missed. This week, a Navy Seal can kill Bin Laden but can he stop a mean podcast, AI encourages a death and brings back The Voice, a robbery crew steals dozens of Department of Defense laptops, and one federal court house will either rule in your favor or give you legionnaire’s disease. Or sometimes it could be both.
And so, sure, time may be but an artificial concept. However, this week’s roundup of the most fascinating court filings is very much real.
The Docket Roundup
Authorities have charged an Alabama man for threatening to kill a “well known pro-Israel speaker” who is set to have a pop-up event in Miami today.
The co-owner of a heavy metal record label that reportedly has ties to a white supremacist band was sued in New York by a woman who said she was coerced into an abusive relationship and stalked by him.
Congrats to anyone who had a nativity scene copyright case on their holiday legal bingo card.
Another sign that we really need to get this whole AI thing in order. This time, in the AI form of Whitney Houston and Marilyn Monroe.
A Brooklyn man was sentenced to two years in prison for shipping live turtles, snakes, and lizards to China, all while labeling them as plastic toys.
The Afghan man accused of shooting two National Guard Members now faces federal charges.
A woman, covered in snow and knocking on doors asking for help, told authorities she crossed the border of Canada/U.S. to see her U.S. citizen child still living in America after the woman’s visa expired.
The FBI arrested a New Jersey man for his alleged role in a year-old heist that stole 64 Department of Defense laptops.
The state of New York prevailed against the Justice Department in the federal government’s bid to force New York to turn over immigration records from its state driver’s license registry.
A lawsuit says ChatGPT told a man for months that his mother was working with the government to surveil him. The man killed his mother and then himself.
Remember to tell your grandkids where you were during the great Laura Loomer-Bill Maher civil war of 2025.
A group of Epstein victims filed a new civil suit against the federal government for purported negligence over failing to investigate their reports of abuse.
Don’t drink the water in the Orlando federal courthouse (no, seriously). As a life rule, we don’t drink any water from Orlando in general.
The government’s motion to keep the alleged January 6th pipe bomber detained until trial revealed new tidbits behind his motivation, including that “When asked why he placed the devices at the RNC and DNC, the defendant responded, ‘I really don’t like either party at this point.’”
Border Patrol agents say they apprehended a group of people who were attempting to enter the country through the woods in Vermont by tracking at least one person’s footsteps in the snow.
A man convinced that the flight “was a simulation” got into an altercation with flight attendants.
CBP doesn’t want its agents to have to testify in a state criminal case against a police officer accused of not acting to stop the Uvalde school shooting.
A retired public school teacher sued the city and county of San Francisco for their use of Flock cameras, which take pictures of vehicles’ license plates on the roads and are commonly used in law enforcement investigations to determine the movements of suspects. The suit begins with a line from George Orwell, “Big Brother is watching you.”
The Justice Department announced charges against a twenty-one-year-old Texas man for attempting to provide bomb-making materials to an undercover agent posing as a member of ISIS. Court records say the investigation began when a member of the New York Police Department noticed the man interacting with pro-ISIS social media accounts and started engaging with him online.
We have ourselves an “Insta” rivalry in Connecticut, albeit without the usual influencer or celebrity drama involved.
The FBI is investigating a 2024 attack on a power station in San Diego. Kudos to our fellow docket watcher in California for the scoop.
A thinktank is being sued for alleging that a man was a secret Islamist.
Shoplifted candy purportedly led U.S. Postal Service Inspectors to a stolen car and mail carrier.
AI may tell our people to murder their families, create imaginary citations, and encourage kids to drink bleach but it did also provide our song of the week. (editor’s note: We instantly regret promoting AI created music.)
A Buffalo-area man was indicted for allegedly tweeting threats to kill ICE agents. HSI agents reportedly apprehended the man at a hibachi buffet.
Speaking of threats, the FBI says a man from McLean, Virginia, texted Kennedy Center President and one-time acting Director of National Intelligence Ric Grennell, “Step on U Street and get a bullet put between your eyes.”
Former Navy Seal Rob O’Neill is suing some podcasters.
Sure, you can read an FBI interview with a man accused of mail voting fraud, but make sure to stay for the back and forth about how FBI agents don’t always wear suits just like the show White Collar.
Happy New Year. Your recipe of the week is an order of Hoppin’ John and collard greens (the Hoppin’ John is for good luck and the greens are for wealth in the New Year per Gullah Geechee tradition), which Peter didn’t realize wasn’t a thing outside the South until last year when Seamus made fun of him. Thus, confirming once and for all that Maryland is in the North. (editor’s note: This is fake news. Maryland transcends feeble reporter attempts to place the Old Line State in society’s neat little geographic boxes).
Thanks for reading.
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