Welcome to Court Watch #147. We gained a comical amount of new subscribers this week because we posted a tweet about a typo. We, for one, can’t wait to disappoint all of you new people with our aggressive use of the passive voice. We momentarily felt bad about lightly mocking the court’s innocent mistake but then we realized that half the documents in that district that should be unsealed still are not so…we said what we said.
In this week’s issue, a Steph Curry fan gets litigious, Chicago grand juries channel their inner-D.C., Arizona’s U.S. Attorney’s office goes full Kenny Chesney, an adult enters the chat in the Eastern District of Virginia, one federal judge protects the rights of all free men to wear a bookbag at the grocery store without fear of random arrest, and MrBeast gets a mediator. Plus, so many of our fellow countrymen (and women) were arrested for making threats.
(editor’s note: we had all intentions of making this filing the lede because it’s absolutely fascinating, but we’re feverishly putting together this newsletter on a Friday morning so just read it for yourself. Or upgrade to a paid subscription so we can hire another reporter to write up the next 10 million dollar Uzbek kidnapping case we come across).
The Docket Roundup
A Texas man is set to plead guilty next week for threatening to shoot up a gay pride parade, stating on Facebook, "I say we lock and load and pay them back from taking out Charlie Kirk."
This week, PACER stopped work repeatedly. Need to read a breaking opinion on whether the national guard can go to Chicago? Too damn bad, PACER is down. This is what 145 million dollars in PACER fees buys you.
Speaking of which, this is still the docket title for a case about a family of a suspected terrorist seeking to stop their deportation.
A Georgia trucking company had a bad week.
There’s a new spattering of Tennessee school teachers who are suing for being fired for their online posts about Charlie Kirk.
Chicago grand juries are taking their vibes from D.C. grand juries.
A government lawyer named ‘Tucson Flip Flop AUSA’ has filed charging documents on an immigration case in Arizona. (hattip local Arizona reporter)
In keeping with its nickname of the Rocket Docket, a federal judge has set the James Comey trial to start nine months ago. Side note, Lawfare nerds out on the history and limitations of arguing vindictive prosecution motions.
It’s a bit hard to follow but it appears CNN’s Erin Burnett was sued for purportedly not fully appreciating Steph Curry’s greatness.
Judge Faruqui can’t miss: “Acting on impulse in the frozen food aisle at Trader Joe’s: reasonable. Acting on impulse to illegally search people: unreasonable.”
Minnesota clerks are trolling us and our bank account.
A construction company is suing the government over union contracts and the building of a federal courthouse in Connecticut.
If you’re standing in line to protest in Chicago, you can stay in line.
We finally have an update in the case of two researchers in Indiana who had their homes searched by the government. A judge ordered for the search warrants to be unsealed, but held off from unsealing the affidavits. The government has ninety days to file an update with the court on its investigation.
We too want to find a job where we can start two weeks ago in the U.S. Attorney’s office and immediately begin seizing property.
An Eastern District of Virginia senior national security prosecutor stepped in on a case to file a supplemental motion against a self-described antifa member, noting the additional filing was needed “because of a lack of coordination within the United States Attorney’s Office, the Reply that was filed last night omitted authorities that might be helpful to the Court in resolving the motion.”
The Trump Organization’s lawsuit against MAGA merch bootleggers came to an end.
You need some groove and blues in your life, our song of the week delivers it. If that’s not your style, then this should be. In the meantime, fight amongst yourself on Z.B’s unreleased song. But honestly, if you like quirky songs, this one was released this morning and it was the background noise to getting this newsletter in your inbox at 7:45am on a Friday.
One Texas judge decided to swim against the current of staying civil when it comes to litigation involving the government in his district.
An Indiana man who allegedly threatened a prosecutor was indicted on Wednesday.
Another woman was arrested for reportedly threatening lawyers at an international law firm.
SLAPP watchers, rejoice.
If you like wildly expensive fire trucks, we have the case for you.
Epic Games is suing two Fortnite map builders for using bots to get paid by the game’s incentive program.
Universal Studios will defend its Minions.
A new lawsuit says probiotics sold at Trader Joe’s aren’t what they seem.
Five years later, two men are understandably still unhappy that DEA agents seized more than $50,000 from their airport luggage and haven’t returned it.
Two school psychologists were indicted in Ohio last week for allegedly running drugs online (hattip local news).
Speaking of Ohio, one guy caught a federal charge after he reportedly pulled the fire alarm in a federal courthouse.
The FBI says a North Carolina man left 102 threatening voicemails for his old probation officer.
MrBeast is going to mediation about his lawsuit against a former employee.
15 folks were picked up on a boat off the coast of California.
Thanks for reading.
(editor’s note 10/10/2025 11:20 ET: this piece has been updated to correct the amount of money seized by DEA agents. Court Watch regrets the error.)