#118: Give Us 43 Minutes, Your Honor.

Welcome to Court Watch #118. In this week’s issue – Pete Rose’s pardon watch, Starbucks takes on the U.S. Army, Prince Harry gets released, and the Department of Justice just needs 2,580 more seconds to finish its court-mandated homework. Plus, we lowkey bury half a dozen scoops in the roundup. Why? Because we can.

But first, let’s talk about beavers who wear shirts but no pants. 

Thursday was a big day for Buc-ee’s, the seemingly lovable patchwork of quirky gas stations with fifty locations in multiple states across the country. Georgia legislators declared it “Buc-ee’s Day” at the State Capitol. The event, complete with a life sized mascot of a buck toothed beaver, was glowingly covered by the local press. 

The legislative resolution heralded that Buc-ee’s “contributes to increased tourism, job creation, and business growth, [and] benefiting local communities.”

But at least one local community two states over may have a different view on the benefits. You see, the day before the Georgia fanfare, Buc-ee’s was in federal court in Missouri filing a trademark lawsuit against Barc-ee’s, a small business dog park that serves beer and wine for adults and games for kids. The lawsuit argues, in addition to the similar name, both company’s logos involve an animal driving a vehicle, albeit a beaver for Buc-ee's and a dog for Barc-ee’s. 

Barc-ees, which on the same day of the lawsuit filing, a local reporter called “the happiest place on earth” did not respond to a request for comment. (editor’s note: for the sake of the lawyer fees, please no one alert Disney that their slogan got pinched.) 

Buc-ee’s general counsel, Jeff Nadalo, told us in a written statement that “Buc-ee’s will not be idle spectators while others infringe the intellectual property rights that Buc-ee’s has worked so hard to develop.”

Indeed, federal lawsuits may be the last line of defense against the besmirchment of the good name for a company with a buck tooth beaver in a red car as a logo. 

Buc-ee’s, which fancies itself the “fun store”, filed another lawsuit last year against a different Missouri store, Duckees. That case is still ongoing. 

We have no idea how to smoothly transition from this story to the dockets, so let’s just do it aggressively. 

The Docket Roundup

• The Department of Justice is asking for…<checks notes>...90 more days to decide if it will appeal a broad ruling that outlawed tower dumps. They previously filed a motion saying they were definitely going to appeal. We asked DOJ if this means the Department is considering abandoning the frequently used law enforcement technique that just may become useful in tracking burning Teslas. They declined to comment.

• An Arizonan man was indicted for having the worst choice of targets ever – allegedly aiming a laser pointer at an FBI surveillance plane. 

• The Speech and Debate Clause is back in vogue in South Carolina.

• Do ATMs usually have $200,000 dollars in them? 

• A Philadelphia man was arrested after he purportedly threw a Molotov cocktail into the home where his son and the child’s mother were staying. Prosecutors said he had also stalked the woman, reportedly using 33 different phone numbers to threaten her.

• The Army wants 0.1785 acres in Chesapeake, Virginia. Starbucks is fighting back against the seizure. This is likely how the second American Civil War starts. 

• Listen, hear us out, what about a tariff on turtles? 

• A nineteen-year-old member of the 764 group, a “network of violent extremists” who prey on people online, was sentenced to seven years in prison for possessing child sex abuse material.

• Judges are worried. 

• Prepping for a posthumous pardon? The 1990 criminal docket in Ohio for Pete Rose was quite active this week, with the uploads of multiple old documents from the case. 

• There’s another flashy RICO case in Georgia. This time, eight members of the “GoodFellas Gang” were indicted for an alleged shooting and carjacking.

• Seize the day with our song choice for this week. 

• A couple who were previously convicted at a bench trial for crimes on January 6th is now suing the FBI and DOJ.

• A Minnesota man would like 100 billion dollars from “Cyberstalkers”. 

• While you were looking at JFK Files, prosecutors quietly asked a judge to unseal a year early records of the FBI’s surveillance program on Martin Luther King, Jr.

• Sign of the times? The National Diversity Council filed for bankruptcy.

• The Justice Department announced a joint task force to prosecute the perpetrators behind the October 7 terror attack.

• After two males who “appeared to be under the influence of marijuana” rented a storage unit and gave the property manager “an uneasy feeling,” the whole building began to stink up. Law enforcement searched the storage unit and reportedly found almost four hundred thousand dollars and plastic bags stuffed with weed.

• If you’re missing mail (like thousands of pieces of mail) in St. Louis, it purportedly was your mailman’s fault.

• The brothers who ran a smoke store in South Carolina called “Big Boss Puff Stuff” and tried to sell $25 million in counterfeit Viagra were each sentenced to 26 months in prison.

• Everyone is apparently too busy with everything but this one flew under the radar: FOIA’d records revealed a Senator was under investigation for vote buying… in the 80’s. Maryland Senator Paul Sarbanes was never charged.

• A RICO case that targeted a credit card stealing scheme at gas pumps ended with the man getting 30 months in prison.

• Assistant U.S. Attorneys are just built differently than the rest of us, with a footnote saying: “Yes, I did just dedicate a full paragraph of my resignation letter to a bit about paper straws.”

• An Iranian man who runs a multilevel marketing company wants to come to the U.S.

• The feds seized forty terriers from a reported dog-fighting ring in Georgia (sensitive content warning). 

• Four undocumented immigrants were charged with escaping from a detention center in Virginia.

• Administrations may change, but the Heritage Foundation’s fight to find out about Prince Harry’s visa goes on.

• The Justice Department had to ask a judge to extend its deadline to comply with a TRO to reinstate terminated probationary employees by 43 minutes. The judge agreed. Because our readers would expect fact checking excellence, we did check the ECF system, and it was filed exactly 43 minutes late. Kudos to the lawyer for timing it exactly right. 

• A New Jersey man who harassed and intimidated a man on behalf of the Chinese government to repatriate with his family back to China was sentenced to 30 months in prison.

• Five leaders of a DC-based aerospace start-up company were indicted for allegedly running a $250 million scheme to defraud investors.

• A man was arrested after he allegedly threw a Molotov cocktail at a Tesla charging station in Charleston and spraypainted “F### Trump” “Love Live Ukraine” on a parking spot. According to the criminal complaint, law enforcement identified him from security camera footage at a Zaxby’s. Attorney General Pam Bondi called it an act of domestic terrorism. His family says he has a history of mental health issues. A magistrate judge let him out on a $10,000 bond. On Thursday, Bondi said the man and two others accused of destroying Tesla properties would face additional charges.

• South Carolina is having its moment on the dockets this week. The family of the Boeing whistleblower who committed suicide while testifying at a deposition in Charleston is suing the airplane manufacturer for wrongful death and abuse of process.

• Zeus (okay, not the actual Greek God. Zeus Networks LLC) is suing a YouTube channel, “Ray.Dinnerisready,” for copyright infringement.

• A Mississippi man was indicted for allegedly setting a Mormon church on fire.

• A software company claims that another tech company used a “spy” to steal its trade secrets.

• The ATF seized 110 firearms as part of an investigation into an alleged gang. One undocumented man who was previously stopped by border patrol was arrested after he allegedly bought guns in South Carolina and drove them North.

• The (former) occupants of one of the prettiest buildings in DC filed a lawsuit.

• A former DOD electrical engineer pleaded guilty to taking classified documents.

• The Arkansas Cryptomining Association wants a judge to declare a state law barring foreign nationals from owning crypto-based in the state unconstitutional.

• A record company wants a Russian YouTuber to stop posting the title track from the movie “A Clockwork Orange.”

Thanks for reading. We’re sorry Omaha didn’t have the upset last night like we promised they would last week. But they punched above their weight and had some truly magical moments. A bit like Court Watch?